so it's becoming that time of year again where i cycle into my depression. i'm readily prepared for it this year, as i always am, but this year brings a new challenge: i work nights instead of days. thus, i spend my nights at my job in a dreary, incoherent daze where i giggle uncontrollably at everything.
"when you have insomnia, you're never really asleep...and you're never really awake.", fight club (1999)
i didn't sleep at all last night, but at least logged in a two hour nap today. however, i do already have the feeling i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, based on the fact that my mind is already racing and that i have those "razor wing butterflies" (you know what i mean? it's like a side-effect of anxiety, and i don't know the exact term for it, if there even is one. it's similar to having butterflies in your stomach, or that feeling you get if you're in a car and you go over a hill really fast and your stomach kind of...jumps? except instead of lasting only about 20 seconds, it lasts, oh, i don't know, around six freaking hours and after a while becomes very painful and confusing). i laid in bed last night trying everything i could to sleep. i slept on my left side. i slept on my right side. i slept flat on my back swearing up and down i saw electricity in the ceiling (though i'm fairly certain it was just certain lights playing tricks on me...fairly certain...). no matter what i did, i had racing thoughts of falling in outer space, and wormholes, and what i'd do the next day. or next week. or next year. or is there even going to be a next year? everyone was in such a tizzy about december 21st up until this year and it's like it's died down. is everyone afraid of talking about it now that it's so close? aaand so on in that rambling fashion in my head. around 5 or 6 am, i just said "fuck it" and turned the tv back on and let my manic side take over. as a result;
MALLORY'S GUIDE OF THINGS TO DO IN AN INSOMNIA FIT:
- watch 'the regular show' and make note of everything having an eerie green glow
- sloppily paint your nails using only the light your cell phone provides
- watch your dog sleep and be jealous of his slumber
- take weird pictures of yourself underneath all your covers
- watch the sunrise through the cracks in your blinds
INsomnia INspiration
je vous salue, marie|hail mary(1985), jean-luc godard
"all that we see or seem. is but a dream within a dream." - edgar allen poe, "a dream within a dream"
today, my grandma, aunt, uncle, and i visited the graveyard to decorate them for christmas. specifically one grave. he was my grandma's son, my aunt's brother, and my dad. oddly enough, one of the things i'm proudest of is designing his tombstone. he always said he wanted a giant middle finger, but when i brought that up, the funeral director kind of looked at us and said they don't sell those kind of gravestones. so i made this one instead and hope he likes it just as well.
r.i.p dad
and i'll end with the song that allows reminds me of my dad, "waltz #2 (XO)" by elliott smith.
"i'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow."
